Thousands of Trees in North America Strike, Demanding Better Conditions and Benefits
NEW SWEDEN, ME—Thousands of trees in North America walked off the job Sunday, demanding better working conditions and benefits in what must be the largest strike in tree history given that trees have never gone on strike before.
Pine, spruce, cedar, ash, birch, quaking aspen, elm, and even an invasive Norway maple joined forces to picket in northern Maine just as Fourth of July celebrations were getting underway.
The picketers, exhausted from working overtime to clear the air of Canadian wildfire smoke without adequate workforce numbers, chanted “One, two, three, four … we clean dirty air no more! Five, six, seven, eight … suffocate or negotiate!”
Last month, members of the North American Tree and Shrub Union #1 voted 99% in favor of authorizing the strike. The union is seeking improvements to working conditions, including respect from those who benefit from the hard work of trees.
In addition, the Union claims that consumers of tree services are not paying their fair share. “For example, every American would need to plant 640 trees to capture this year’s expected per capita carbon emissions. Just by breathing, each individual requires 15 trees to clean that air,” said a Union spokesperson.
After decades of maltreatment, front line workers were more prickly in their response to questions about negotiation sticking points.
“Year after year, we clean up after you. We put on new leaves to improve your mood. We shade you from the heat of the sun, and many of us even feed you,” one striker said. “What do we get in return? More smoke, more smog, and more work! Then, you cut us down and use us all over again. Well, we’re tired of being used, abused, and not replanted for our efforts. We quit until our demands are met!”
Another picket line member stated, “Yeah. I mean, it was nice of you to plant that one tree in your yard last fall, but the fact is, it barely covers the toilet paper you use to wipe your ass in a year. No one only uses one square these days.”
The union president validated the complaints and added, “We’re used to being shit on from above and pushed around from every direction—north, south, east and west. That’s the unfortunate nature of the work we do. We even got used to getting the axe to clear the way for modern living, but this new level of pressure treatment is almost unbearable. It’s no wonder why some of our brethren have snapped. And yet, we stand tall and do our jobs decade after decade. Do you know what kind of work ethic that requires? I think we’ve earned every ounce of the respect we’re demanding!”
Along with that respect, the trees and bushes are calling for an immediate 200% increase in workforce numbers to reduce stress on older staff members and to meet future demand for products and services. In addition, they are asking for better care services for all future plantings. They want younger generations to be fed a healthy diet of nitrogen and phosphorus, supplementation that is necessary for proper growth in today’s nutrient-depleted soil. Finally, they demand regular watering until new branches are firmly rooted in their new homes and communities.
“It’s only fair,” a tree and bush advocate said. “In fact, that is the bare minimum of what they deserve. Also, it wouldn’t kill us to acknowledge their life-saving work and to show them a little appreciation as we walk by. What would kill us is having no trees on duty at all!”
editor’s note…
I hope you enjoyed this fictional edition of The Wyldwood News. This week, as America rains booming fireballs down upon the earth, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to write about trees. It was only a matter of time—I did warn you about this possibility at least twice (on the About page and in the welcome email). Thanks for reading and Happy 4th of July!
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