Community Service Crew Found Alive, Hungover
NORWAY, MI—Authorities located a missing juvenile community service crew passed out on the grounds of the Norway Spring Park west of Norway, Michigan, early Tuesday morning. The crew had been tasked with picking up garbage along US Rte 2 as part of court-ordered restitution.
“We were taking turns using the plastic shithouse over there by the trees when the water fountain started spitting and hissing,” one juvenile said. “Me and my buddy went to see what was happening. The water smelled like apple-berry fruit juice, so we tasted it. I don’t really remember much after that.”
The four juveniles were found sleeping in the grass not far from the fountain, while the adult supervisor reportedly spent the night on the highway median inside a decorative Viking ship replica.
“It was quite a sight,” one search and rescue team member said. “Must have been a hell of a party!”
State Health Department officials were spotted taking samples from the fountain in what appeared to be gallon jugs. They refused to comment on planned procedures for testing.
Tensions increased as the public became aware of the situation. Law enforcement intervened in a physical altercation between local AA members protesting continued public access to the alcohol-serving spring and a religious cult wanting to bathe in the waters that Jesus had turned to wine.
According to Department of Homeland Security sources, this was not an isolated incident. Similar reports of alcohol-spewing springs began to appear all over the world Monday night.
Theories continue to emerge about the cause of the phenomena, including possible underground military base storehouse leaks, experimentation by invading extraterrestrials, and the usual end-of-days conspiracy in which Satan attempts to speed up the demise of the world, this time through the distribution of Devil Juice.
But skeptics argue that the reports are nothing more than fake news, a hoax, and a witch hunt happening simultaneously to distract us from seeing the secrets stored on some poor bastards laptop.
“Basically, no one knows shit as usual!” one government official stated. “Ain’t it a shame what the world has come to?”
editor’s note…
All nine worlds named in Norse mythology are connected. Now you know what would happen if Asgard, with its large stores of mead, flooded! If you enjoy this type of dark humor, please subscribe to this newsletter and click ‘like’. Thanks for reading this fictional news story!
Pssst! Did you know The Wyldwood News serves as the official newspaper of the nine worlds found in Norse Mythology and some of the news directly relates to the Sága’s Fable Mind serial story? To get the full experience, read both! This article corresponds to Episode IV, coming soon to Substack.